Traditional ideas about masculinity are often old-fashioned and irrelevant, seemingly born from a time when men and women were assigned animalistic roles regardless of their individual personalities and skills. Here are 19 traits or behaviors that some men still think make them “real men” but are now just outdated and even toxic, denying men their humanity and individuality.
Physical Strength
There’s no denying that physical strength can be incredibly useful, and men tend to have more muscle and greater lifting power than women due to their body shape and genetics. But true strength is about more than just helping a friend move to a new house or carrying materials for a DIY project—it also comes in the form of emotional resilience and the ability to cope with setbacks.
Aggression
Duke University maintains that aggressive men often use external violence and anger as a way to advertise their masculinity and may insult others, use racial slurs, or even punch walls in an effort to show how ‘manly’ they are. Aggression is often about insecurity, and a well-rounded man may be assertive and confident, but he won’t be verbally or physically abusive.
Suppressing Emotions
Please don’t tell your sons that “boys don’t cry!” It’s emotionally damaging and dismissive, causing ‘men in training’ to view negative emotions as shameful. This can lead them to ‘bottle up’ their feelings and avoid natural human emotions like fear, sadness, or vulnerability. This is mentally unhealthy and can lead to problems like stress, anxiety, and even violence.
Disliking “Feminine” Things
Feel free to wear pink or enjoy traditionally ‘female’ activities like baking or childcare. These things don’t make you less of a man—in fact, they can make you a happier individual, a more emotionally honest partner, and a better father. Well-balanced men aren’t afraid to do things they enjoy or are good at, even if that means being unfairly labeled as feminine.
Never Asking for Help
No matter your gender, everyone gets stuck sometimes. It doesn’t make you less manly to ask for help when needed; in fact, it shows intelligence, maturity, and self-awareness. A strong man is confident enough to rely on others sometimes, and smart enough to understand that he can’t do everything alone. Asking for assistance can mean learning from others, too, which is valuable.
Being Emotionally Unavailable
You cannot be mentally healthy or connect with others if you deny your emotions and maintain a ‘masculine’ sense of detachment. Psych Central recommends that men embrace their full humanity “regardless of what others may think.” This means talking about their emotions (even negative or ‘shameful’ ones) and being open to having deep, meaningful conversations when necessary.
Always Needing to be “Right”
Nobody has all the answers, and that’s perfectly alright. Being open to different perspectives and willing to admit when you’re wrong is a sign of intelligence and emotional maturity. A truly strong man has the strength to own up to their mistakes, learn from their errors, be adaptable, and listen to others without taking every disagreement as a personal insult.
Hiding Pain
Physical and emotional pain is a reality of being human—whether you’re male or female—and is an important message, warning us to slow down, be careful, or address a problem. Some men wrongly assume that showing physical weakness or emotional sensitivity is ‘feminine,’ but acting like nothing is wrong will stop them from getting the help they need, be it medical or emotional.
Material Possessions
No, an expensive, fancy car or a huge gold watch won’t make you look more manly to anyone who matters. While such luxuries might feel good and offer extra comfort, they won’t fix life’s problems or make you more capable or emotionally resilient. In order to be happy and content, focus on building strong relationships, personal growth, and meaningful experiences.
Conquering Women
According to Medical News Today, toxic masculinity (the negative aspects of exaggerated ‘male’ traits) often manifests as chauvinism and dominance of women and sometimes even leads to domestic violence. Real men don’t need to control or seduce women to validate their masculinity and will often choose real connection and respect over degrading behavior.
Violence
Self-defense and protecting one’s friends or family is one thing, but violence as a show of strength is never the answer. Men who often end a night out with a fight tend to be insecure or have a warped perception of what makes them seem ‘manly.’ A well-rounded man finds healthy ways to resolve conflict and protects weaker individuals without escalating to violence.
Homophobia or Transphobia
Many men wrongly believe that putting down others based on their sexual orientation or gender identity makes them appear more masculine. In truth, bullies are almost always weak-minded and insecure, while a strong person is respected and inspires positive behavior in others. Being critical of male LGBTQ+ individuals will only make you seem narrow-minded and intolerant.
Number of Sexual Partners
We’ve all heard ‘alpha males’ bragging about how many women they’ve slept with, but a high number of sexual partners does not make a man more masculine. Anyone who views sexual encounters as a ‘collection’ to be amassed and boasted about is immature, insecure, and emotionally stunted. Focus on being happy and healthy rather than bedding every woman you see!
Drinking Heavily
The ability to ‘drink everyone else under the table’ isn’t a sign of masculinity, and being drunk will only make you weaker, less capable, and more stupid! While drinking can be sociable and fun, don’t let a desire to impress others or assert your manliness override common sense. Strong men know that excessive alcohol leads to health problems, accidents, and poor decisions.
Never Backing Down from a Fight
It takes a lot of courage and mental strength to back away from a fight that is senseless or unnecessary. However, The Guardian reports that many men struggle to do this because they feel ‘backing down’ from confrontation threatens their manhood and are curious to know ‘what they’re made of.’ Choose your battles wisely, and never fight just because you’ve been challenged.
Owning Dangerous Animals
Some men wrongly assume that an aggressive or dangerous pet will make them look more masculine by extension. This can mean owning illegal or restricted breeds, rare species, or specialist pets like tarantulas and snakes (for the wrong reasons). Well-balanced men respect animals, treat them well, and don’t see them as ‘manly’ accessories to boost their fragile self-image.
Never Showing Fear
Everyone experiences fear sometimes, and it is actually helpful in certain risky situations, preventing us from engaging in dangerous activities and keeping us alert when necessary. Strength is not lacking fear; it is having the courage to face it and the intelligence to assess risk. Pretending you’re not afraid when you are isn’t necessary to preserve masculinity.
Neglecting Self-care
Nowadays, people are becoming increasingly aware of the value of ‘self-care’ which refers to behaviors that promote mental and physical health, help us relax, and make us feel good about ourselves. Men need self-care too, so don’t let outdated ideas about masculinity stop you from enjoying your hobbies, pampering yourself, taking time off, or saying ‘no’ when necessary.
Promiscuity
Having casual sex with multiple partners might seem manly on a primal level, given that many male animals do this in nature. But human society has evolved beyond our animalistic drives and desires, and meaningful, long-term, and monogamous relationships often bring greater happiness. You’re unlikely to make close bonds or fall in love if you focus on quantity over quality!